What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 03:09
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I waited trembling.
How do I become an intelligent man?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
What do you say after "Hi" when chatting?
I write beautiful poetry .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I couldn’t, believe it.
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She found it foreign!.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
What is the difference between the terms "Millennials" and "kids"?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I never cut or harmed myself..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was seconnd youngest,
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was scared of men, in general
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Put me off passion for life!!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
All the time i was locked up.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I could never make a relationship work though!
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I was 9 years of age.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Who then, do I blame.?
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We all went to grammer schools
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She was in good health!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And i lived it daily.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I don,t even have a pension.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
What did i know ?
He resisted the act ,that day.
So whats the point in blame.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But it wasn’t much.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
One cannot live in the past .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
When she asked me how she looked .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But ive been too sick for many years..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Im still living with it.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She married twice! .
As i do to all so called friends.?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He knew the spot.
We were not on the streets..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Ive learnt so much.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I will be 64.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
This is soul school!.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I think the readers, may guess!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Especially a lifetime of it.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
It was going to be , some day.
But, we were locked up after school.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
(And it was in our own minds.)
So, i spoilt her more .
Comes on , in middle age.
I was very sick at this time too.
I said to her
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She wouldn,t have been !
She loved him until the end.
Would this be the day?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I have no regrets .
My life is so biszare .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My family never makes their pension either.